According to valuable new scientific research, 67.4% of Americans prefer holiday parties to any other type of party, except birthday parties, Fourth of July parties, graduation parties, Bar Mitzvahs, first Communions, and of course, Thanksgiving. What are the odds?!
So in celebration of this era-defining leap forward in celebration statistical analysis, we are throwing a monumental Christmas party! A whopping massive one! [ed. There are only 60 tickets!] And who is better to concoct the awesome-est SNOW-TASTIC HOLIDAY FUNSTRAVAGANZA (TM) ever than authentic Santa elves from the North Pole! And these are not your run-of-the-mill jingle-bell be-dangled four-foot iPod bleachers, ladies and gentlemen, but real renegade toy-making elves fled direct from the snowy serf-fed industrial complex of Santa himself. Their complaint? Not enough nutmeg in the eggnog! Yikes! A real problem in 2012! Also, polar bears!
Anyway, here's to less pay for longer hours and all that! Reserve your tickets for our Christmas party today! CONTACT: email@example.com
********** UPDATE **********
THIS JUST IN...